Archer Coaching

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Archive for category openness

The Freedom of Not Knowing

Oct 3

Posted by Laura in choice, clarity, knowing, openness, Uncategorized | No Comments

I rarely take my cues from sit-coms (even the “very special episodes”), but many years ago, something said on Friends really stuck with me. The character Rachel was explaining that after many years of living up to others’ expectations and having her life planned out, she had broken free from that, and now she liked not knowing what was going to happen.

I am a well-organized person who uses a planner, to-do lists, and goals. I’m prompt and focused. I’m used to knowing. In school, knowing the answer was a place of power for me (and I almost always knew the answer).

Becoming a coach has really challenged my sense of security about knowing. The whole point of being a coach is that I don’t have to know–the client does. Being a good coach means floating in the moment, trusting your intuition, and being present for the client in a way that brings forth his or her genius. There is no script for this, no set way to do it. Which means: I don’t know the answers, and sometimes I don’t know what questions to ask. But I’m finding infinite possibilities within the not knowing. If I don’t have preconceived notions, if I can let go of having “the answer,” the “right” thing to say or do, then the door is open wide for the client to step up.

In addition to becoming comfortable with not knowing in a coaching framework, I am facing it in my personal life as well. I’m a new parent. I’m co-creating a relationship with my daughter (and husband) each day. When I can let go of the need to know, then I find I can simply let my daughter be herself, right here, right now. We can enjoy each other deeply.

Embracing the uncertainty of not knowing is terrifying… and ultimately, freeing.

If you let go of needing to know and embrace the not-knowing (or just dip your toes in), what does that open up for you?

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The Sound of an Empty House

Jun 9

Posted by Laura in openness, senses, Uncategorized | No Comments

Today’s guest post is by my friend, the extremely talented writer Richard Dansky. His writing here made me think about connectedness to place, the notion of home, being attuned to our senses, and getting shaken out of our routine (and what that leads to). Enjoy.

 

The Sound of an Empty House

By Richard Dansky

There are a lot of things that make a house home. There’s the look of the place. There’s our stuff, in its familiar arrangement. There are familiar smells, the ones you keep coming back to – even the ones that are suspiciously like “oh God, the cat’s protesting the oppressive nature of the litterbox again” – that come together to make the mental picture that instantly, irrevocably says “home”.

 

Sound’s a big part of that, too. An area that we’re familiar with makes familiar sounds. We know how long a sound takes to echo and die there, how loud you have to yell to call someone in the next room, how long a single sound is supposed to live down to the nanosecond.

 

Of course, changing things changes how long sound bounces around even a medium-sized living room. Move a piece of furniture, add a bookshelf there – even tiny changes are changes, and our gut recognizes them even if our brain doesn’t. It takes a while to settle back down when the acoustic map of a long-familiar place changes while we wait for our hindbrains to decide that yes, this is still the safe zone it used to be before the curio cabinet went four feet to the left and the dining room table lost a leaf. No doubt this knack was of tremendous use to our ancestors, who could use it to notice that a large short-faced bear had moved into the cave and react accordingly.

 

All of which would have remained entirely academic (except possibly for my interest in short-faced bears) if we weren’t getting our carpet replaced. Which meant moving all the furniture out of the big living room/dining room. While my wife was out of town for work. Which meant that I came home to a house that looked different – the carpets had been taken up but the new floors not yet put down, that smelled different (like I said, the, uh, carpets had been taken up), where none of the pieces were in their familiar places, and that most of all, sounded different. Carpet gone, furniture moved, and the first floor was suddenly an echo chamber. The clatter of ice cubes into a glass rattled around and around; a closed door was thunderous. The cats wandered counterclockwise and yowled confusion – why was the floor hard? Where had their favorite perches gone? What was happening?

 

And every sound on the first floor of the house was just wrong, and my lizard brain screamed “Predator! Watch out!” every time I made a noise. I found myself tiptoeing around, gently moving dishes, dealing in hush and quiet to keep from involuntarily jumping out of my skin.

 

All of which is academic, of course. In a couple of days the furniture will be back. I’ll have gotten the new arrangement wired in as “home”. And the cats, walnut-brained adorable monsters that they are, will forget.

 

But the reminder that even small changes can take a place that’s known intimately and make it uncanny and strange, well, that’s worth remembering. And not just because a family of short-faced cave bears might be moving in down the block.

 

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Unbalanced

Apr 2

Posted by Laura in balance, blessing, change, clarity, Coaching, confidence, experience, joy, openness, Path | 5 Comments

As I write this, my four-week-old daughter is asleep, snug in her Baby Bjorn carrier, nestled against my chest. She is my first child, so I’m entering the world of parenthood like every other woman does: all at once, with a lot of panic and thoughts of “What the @#$!@#$ was I thinking?!” I tried not to make any set plans and to let go of my expectations before her birth, but I’m still a bit flummoxed by how much my life is changing.

 

In my coaching practice, one of the areas I frequently focus on with clients is life balance. It seems a tad ironic (or perhaps karmic) that my own life is so completely out of balance right now. But a wise colleague told me a story about Steven Covey. Apparently, Covey’s daughter called him in a panic after her child was born, and he told her that sometimes you are supposed to be utterly out of balance. Clearly, the trial-by-fire that is new parenthood is one of those times.

 

How do we cope with those massively out-of-balance times?

 

At the moment, I try to remember that I do not need to overcome this, I need to become something new (we are never overcoming, we are always becoming). I will not get back to the “way things used to be.” A change this large creates a new state of being. Adding the role of mother is an enormous shift in my identity, tasks, and self-image. That can’t be done overnight, obviously. I will co-create this role with my daughter–she will teach me how to be a mom to her. It also helps to remember that life balance is not a fixed state that one attains and then holds steady. I gave up some things (some permanently, some temporarily) to be a mom, and that certainly shifted the balance in my life. Most important, I am reminding myself to cherish these moments of my daughter’s new life–as crazy as it makes my own life–because they will go by incredibly quickly.

 

What things have made you out of balance? How did you grow from those experiences? How have they shaped what you are today?



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Are You Coachable?

Feb 10

Posted by Laura in business, change, choice, Coaching, Coaching Week, definition, Dreaming, experience, Goals, Mindfulness, momentum, openness, Path, planning, success | No Comments

In honor of International Coaching Week, February 6 through 12, I am posting a series of short articles about coaching.

Day 5: Are You Coachable?

One of the first things I learned in my coach training is to work with the willing. Not everyone wants or is ready for coaching. Those who want coaching might not be very coachable. The people who get the most out of coaching have a certain set of characteristics. If you’re interested in coaching, ask yourself the following questions to find out if you would truly benefit (coachable people will answer “yes” to most or all).

Do you have a compelling vision and a clear goal?

Do you know what you want? If you aren’t sure what you want, it is difficult (or impossible) to create it. There’s only so far you can go before you’ll get stuck. If you have a vague idea, spend some time crafting your vision of how you want things to be. When you have a clearer picture, you will be ready for coaching. If all you can think is “I just want it to be different than it is now!” or “I don’t want this!” then definitely spend some time imagining what “different” might look like and how you do want things to be! Coachable people have a specific, positive goal or vision in mind, from a short-term project to a big picture.

Are you future-oriented?

Coachable people are ready to move forward. They may learn from the past and take lessons from the present, but they do not allow themselves to wallow in the existing story. They aren’t so much trying to figure out why things went wrong or how they got here as they are trying to build a new future.

Are you open to change and growth–quite possibly beyond your comfort zone?

Coaching is about creating change. Getting what you want and crafting the life you envision requires change, sometimes quite a lot of it. Change leads to growth; growth leads to transformation. Change can be scary. You must be open to it to benefit from coaching. If you aren’t truly interested in change, then coaching isn’t for you.

Are you open to honest feedback?

Can you learn and grow from feedback? In the process of coaching, you’ll get honest feedback, sometimes from the coach, sometimes from other people, and often from yourself as you plunge the depths of your own knowledge and wisdom. Criticism stings (and we can be very hard on ourselves), but constructive feedback can shape your path in a positive way. Can you handle feedback, accept it, and move forward in wisdom?

Are you ready to work?

Coaching can open doors, create opportunities, and help you chart your path. No one can walk that path but you, and it requires taking action. The work may be spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, or all of these things. If you are passive and expect change to come to you, then you won’t get much out of coaching. If you expect that the mere fact that you are being coached will change everything, you will be disappointed. If you don’t put in the effort, you won’t see the reward. You should be ready for change, and you should be ready to make it happen.

Are you focused on something within your control?

A key to coaching is to be sure that you are focused on something within your control to do something about. You cannot change things like time, the laws of physics, and other people. People waste a lot of energy trying to change or influence things they can’t control (for instance, how someone else treats them). If you focus on yourself and your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, you will be able to make real change in a significant way. Through coaching and vision work, you can then imagine and notice how your individual changes might have ripple effects in those around you and the world at large.

Are you ready to invest time, energy, and money in coaching to get results?

Creating the future you want takes effort and work. It also takes time, thought, energy, and, yes, money. Coaching can be a valuable tool to help you get what you want, but it will only work if you feel your goals are worth the investment. Studies are showing that the return on investment for coaching (in business) is three to seven times the dollar amount spent. Instead of looking at coaching as an added cost burden or luxury expense (as many do), look at your goals and your life and ask this: “Am I worth it?” Coaching is an investment in yourself.

You may not be a good candidate for coaching if one or more of the following is true for you.

  • You’re looking for a quick fix or easy answers
  • You just want to complain or get validation for what you’re already doing (even if you’re taking no action at all)
  • You tend to avoid taking responsibility (“It’s not my fault!”), pointing a finger of blame at other people and things
  • You don’t really want to change
  • You’re focused on things that aren’t within your control (other people’s behavior and actions)

If you’re willing to let go of these things, you might be ready for coaching.

Tomorrow: Laura’s Path to Coaching and Her Approach

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Goodness Gracious

Oct 17

Posted by Laura in Appreciation, change, Creativity, education, experience, failure, food, openness, reality TV, resistance | 1 Comment

My friends (and long-suffering husband) know that I have a guilty pleasure of watching reality TV competitions (Project Runway, Top Model, Top Chef, etc.). I just love to see what people do creatively! Frequently, I learn something about human nature by watching these shows, and I occasionally include a lesson learned here on my blog. Today’s lesson: being gracious in defeat or failure.

On Hell’s Kitchen, the teams of chefs are usually given a short challenge at the beginning of the episode. One team wins, and the other team loses. Unlike most other reality shows, Chef Gordon Ramsay not only rewards the winners but also punishes the losers, usually with a menial task such as cleaning the restaurant or peeling a thousand pounds of potatoes. On most reality shows, “losers” might whine and pout about not winning (some end up holding a grudge about it). On Hell’s Kitchen, the “losers” gripe, complain, moan, blame each other for losing, and sometimes refuse to work. You often hear the phrase “I am not here to clean! I am a chef!” or even “I have people to do this!” I get the very clear impression that these chefs, as talented and skilled as they are, truly feel they are “above” the tasks they are asked to do. (One chef even dodges doing kitchen prep work, saying that Ramsay is not looking for a great prep chef.)

I sometimes just want to shake these contestants and say, “You can’t win every time! Where’s your humility? Take your lumps, handle it with grace, and grow from this experience!” The tasks they are given, while not always related to cooking, do relate to what is involved with running a restaurant, which is the ultimate reward the winner will be given. Having respect for what the maitre d’ and the wait staff and cleaning crew do is critical to building a good team for a successful restaurant.

These thoughts were oddly brought into focus at a high school reunion I attended recently (my husband’s class; we graduated from the same school). At the magnet high school we attended, a graduation requirement was to work three hours every week, unpaid, at the school. Incoming students were required to spend a semester working those hours either in the cafeteria or on the grounds. Let me tell you, this kind of work will teach you that you are not “above” anything. It will teach you respect for the people who do these jobs all day long, and not just for a measly three hours a week.

We all learn from failure, punishment, and situations in which we don’t get what we want. As a coach, my job is to help people get what they want (as long as it is within their control!), but as a human being, I know it simply isn’t possible 100% of the time, especially if one is in direct competition with another. So I encourage others (and myself!) to see where the growth opportunities are, even if you “lose.” Suddenly, losing isn’t so bad.

What have you learned from losing? Who have you become because of it?

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Balanced by Relationships

May 24

Posted by Laura in Appreciation, balance, blessing, choice, difference, joy, love, openness, relationship, Uncategorized | No Comments

I have blogged about life balance before, and I give presentations on that topic as well. I also spend time thinking about how my relationships with various people provide a supportive balance to me as a person.

Most of my friends have heard me wax poetic about how my darling husband is very different from me — in a way that I appreciate, because I feel it makes us a good team. He’s very relaxed and laid-back and thinks in terms of the big picture. I’m assertive, a go-getter, and detail-oriented. He lives in the moment, I tend to pace toward the future. He tends to think things through very carefully, sometimes taking a long time to make a decision. I tend to be rather impulsive and impatient! We have been together 15 years now, and I have come to love these differences. Just by being himself, he helps me relax and enjoy things as they are. We have many things in common, but the differences keep it interesting. I started to respect, honor, and cherish our differences when I went through coach training and began to perceive things differently.

My sister is another case in point. We are only 14 months apart in age, and we couldn’t be more different. We inverted most of the standard older child/younger child dynamics (she’s younger, but was much bolder than I was). We have dealt with common issues in our family, of course, but beyond that we are extremely different. We fought like cats and dogs growing up, of course, and we could never live in the same house again without maiming each other (if the last time we tried that is any indication). Over the years, I have come to truly value our differences, as she gives me a totally unique perspective on things. If we had met as strangers, I don’t know if we would have become friends — the differences would have made it seem as if we had nothing in common. As sisters, our relationship is all over the place, in a good way! We are starting to discover the things that we do have in common now.

My book group, of which I have been a member for 15 years, is another great example. We have a wide range of women in the group — some are mothers, some are grandmothers, some have never had kids. We have marrieds, divorceds, and never marrieds. Some young, some older, some in between. A variety of hobbies and careers are represented. The discussion is always lively. Heated disagreements, loud laughter, and a lot of thinking and interpreting. It’s a monthly discussion that really challenges and stimulates me because of all the differences in perception.

Enough about me! What relationships balance you? Whom do you love because of (not in spite of) your differences?

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The Gentle Art of Receiving

Apr 18

Posted by Laura in Appreciation, blessing, clarity, joy, Mindfulness, openness, receiving, Uncategorized | No Comments

I’m a giver and a go-getter, and I bet most of you are, too. I work hard for what I want, and I give a lot to others. I sometimes struggle with receiving, and I know I’m not the only one.

When I took the Millionaire Mind Intensive seminar a few years ago, I noted that the trainer made sure that we all practiced receiving. Some of our affirmations included being a good giver and an excellent receiver, as well asking the universe to send us the share of someone who wasn’t ready to receive.

Being ready to receive is more than just finally getting something you want and celebrating that fact. It’s about being gracious and grateful. It’s about being humble and accepting a gift (in any form) without the need to pay it back (or forward) or give something in exchange. It’s about being grateful for even the smallest moment of abundance in your life. This is tricky! It can feel downright uncomfortable.

I began to experience a mindful approach to receiving shortly before my wedding in fall 2000. I realized that on that special day, I would be the center of attention and the recipient of a lot of good wishes and celebration. Thankfully, I relied on my Southern heritage and manners: I practiced graciously accepting compliments and good wishes at my bridal shower, and then I put those skills to good use on the big day! I found it a little uncomfortable to simply receive compliments (and gifts!), and it was a very interesting experience to do so.

How many times in our lives do we deflect a genuine compliment by down-playing ourselves or turning the focus to the other person, rather than simply saying, “Thank you!” and enjoying the feeling? How often do you feel ever so slightly guilty accepting a gift or favor? Do you perhaps keep a mental tally of who owes who a favor or special treat?

Every day you have the opportunity to receive. Take advantage of this opportunity with mindfulness and intentionality. Practice receiving with gratitude, and start to notice the abundance that comes to you. When you begin gratefully receiving, the universe will start to send more your way! As you notice what you have been graced with, you will see more of it. As you receive, you might find yourself giving more selflessly, as well as going after what you want more intentionally because you are ready to receive it and are no longer afraid to ask for it!

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The Value of the Experience (or, Doing versus Having)

Dec 13

Posted by Laura in blessing, cars, experience, food, holiday, joy, love, Mindfulness, openness, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

As this holiday season approaches like a freight train, I find myself avoiding the shopping. In years past, I have begun Christmas shopping in July or so, so I could be sure to pick the perfect gift. In more recent years, “things” became far less important to me, and this year, that is even more the case. My mom asked for me to make a charitable donation in her honor, which I will do for several more family members as well. I usually do a pie exchange with my dad. My sister and I agreed to just get each other two pairs of crazy socks (our favorite). My niece and nephew will get gift cards. Husband and I agreed to just love each other more than ever and spend time together this holiday season (he’s impossible to shop for, anyway). For several others, we commit to having a nice meal together soon.

As I grow older (and more breathtakingly intelligent ;) ) I am less attached to things. I find more joy in experiences (being or doing, instead of having and owning). The ephemeral nature of something experienced is a powerful, treasured memory. My memories turn into stories. And I love to tell stories (it’s a family thing!). I find myself growing and becoming more than I am, due to experiences!

In the past few years, I’ve found joy in some of the following experiences. (Feel free to try these in your own life, and share what experiences you enjoy!)

Food. I’m turning into a budding foodie. After watching a lot of Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen, I became fascinated with fine dining and food experiences. So I created a Gourmet Club with two girlfriends. Once a month, we go out to a really nice restaurant. We take turns picking the place and making the reservation. We may order whatever we like, but must be prepared to share a bite or two when asked. Formerly a picky eater, I have committed myself to trying new things! For instance, I’ve now eaten (and enjoyed) foie gras (yummmm!), Brussels sprouts, escargots, veal, and more. However, I still don’t care for scallops. This kind of experience is so much fun and has really helped me open up my horizons! (Also, for local folks: I’m happy to make restaurant recommendations!) I also enjoyed a knife skills class at a local cooking school, and I’m looking to learn more.

Reading. I have been a member of a book club since 1995! We read fiction, meet once a month, and discuss. This wonderful group of fabulous women has spawned a lot of deep friendships, not to mention amazing discussions of books! Because we read a wide variety of genres, the group has helped me reach beyond my comfort zone and grow. I’m a big fan of my local library, and friends loan me books all the time. It’s a unique excitement to find out one of your favorite authors has a new book out (right now: new Barbara Kingsolver!).

Cars. I realize this sounds more like a “thing” than an “experience.” Bear with me, here. I love cars. LOVE ‘em. Inherited this love from my dad, bless him. I love to watch Top Gear

Hot Car

Hot Car

and indulge myself. I enjoy car shows. In November I got to do something truly amazing: take a four-hour tour in three different supercars (through a group called Supercar Sensation in Charlotte). I drove a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin Vantage, and the new Nissan GT-R. (If you care about these things, the Nissan was, hands down, the best car of the day.) This is precisely how I want to experience cars like this–in a tour, on back roads, just getting a feel for them. I don’t want to race them (although I do want to try a track day) or own one, I just want to experience them for a while. Next up: a tour with the Lamborghini Gallardo, a Porsche 911 Turbo, and an AMG-tuned Mercedes!

What experiences do you treasure? What activities or experiences offer joy for you?

Resistance and Being Right

Dec 9

Posted by Laura in change, Coaching, openness, reality TV, resistance, right | No Comments

I’ve been thinking for a while of having an occasional series here on my blog, loosely titled “Things I Have Learned Watching Reality TV.” I do watch reality TV, and I like the good stuff–a lot of business shows (early Apprentice, some Dragon’s Den, etc.), cooking shows (Hell’s Kitchen, Top Chef, Chef Academy), and creative competitions (Project Runway, Launch My Line, even America’s Next Top Model). (Okay, I’ll admit to the rapturous schadenfreude of watching America’s Funniest Home Injuries Videos, from which I’ve learned quite a litany of useful things: avoid trampolines, never dance on tables, porch swings are trouble, stay away from pinatas, and so on.)

One of my most recent favorite shows is on Bravo, and it’s called Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. It’s a bit like Kitchen Nightmares, except for hair salons. The extremely talented stylist and businesswoman Tabatha Coffey (always sleek in black, ice blonde hair, clipped Australian accent) comes in and takes over for a week. There are staff meetings, discussions, assessments of skills, renovations, and usually some tears and resistance. Most of the time, her changes make a real difference in the salon, as evidenced when she returns about six weeks after to see how things are going.

Last night’s episode involved a salon owner in Florida, who absolutely hated her staff (spied on them, harassed them, and so on). She expected them to fail, and only had negative things to say consistently. She brought in Tabatha just to have someone take her side. When Tabatha didn’t buy it, the owner flat-out refused to change. In fact, she reversed much of the renovation and all the other changes that Tabatha made. Her staff were miserable. The owner herself was miserable–yet somehow delighted that she hadn’t changed at all. She was convinced she was “right” and wouldn’t hear of anything to the contrary.

I felt so sad for this woman. She has become toxic in her own business, toxic to her employees, and toxic to herself. She had a rigid view of her situation and was not interested in any other viewpoints. She wanted easy answers and someone to confirm her paranoia. People like her may say they “want” a coach or a consultant, but they really don’t. They want to be right, and they want that validated.

Not long ago, I was challenged by another coach to let go of being “right” in a situation that had really irked me. I knew I was right, and I kept protesting that fact. It was painful to be challenged on it–and absolutely what I needed to hear. I struggled with it. I asked myself: “If I let go of being right, what more can I become? Can I become larger than this issue?” It was an eye-opening process. It helped me let go of being right (with difficulty), so that I became more. What resulted was a whole new path out of the situation that ultimately ended up serving everyone involved.

Where can we let go of being right? What might that lead to in our lives?