Archer Coaching

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Archive for category openness

The Value of the Experience (or, Doing versus Having)

Dec 13

Posted by Laura in Mindfulness, Uncategorized, blessing, cars, experience, food, holiday, joy, love, openness | 1 Comment

As this holiday season approaches like a freight train, I find myself avoiding the shopping. In years past, I have begun Christmas shopping in July or so, so I could be sure to pick the perfect gift. In more recent years, “things” became far less important to me, and this year, that is even more the case. My mom asked for me to make a charitable donation in her honor, which I will do for several more family members as well. I usually do a pie exchange with my dad. My sister and I agreed to just get each other two pairs of crazy socks (our favorite). My niece and nephew will get gift cards. Husband and I agreed to just love each other more than ever and spend time together this holiday season (he’s impossible to shop for, anyway). For several others, we commit to having a nice meal together soon.

As I grow older (and more breathtakingly intelligent ;) ) I am less attached to things. I find more joy in experiences (being or doing, instead of having and owning). The ephemeral nature of something experienced is a powerful, treasured memory. My memories turn into stories. And I love to tell stories (it’s a family thing!). I find myself growing and becoming more than I am, due to experiences!

In the past few years, I’ve found joy in some of the following experiences. (Feel free to try these in your own life, and share what experiences you enjoy!)

Food. I’m turning into a budding foodie. After watching a lot of Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen, I became fascinated with fine dining and food experiences. So I created a Gourmet Club with two girlfriends. Once a month, we go out to a really nice restaurant. We take turns picking the place and making the reservation. We may order whatever we like, but must be prepared to share a bite or two when asked. Formerly a picky eater, I have committed myself to trying new things! For instance, I’ve now eaten (and enjoyed) foie gras (yummmm!), Brussels sprouts, escargots, veal, and more. However, I still don’t care for scallops. This kind of experience is so much fun and has really helped me open up my horizons! (Also, for local folks: I’m happy to make restaurant recommendations!) I also enjoyed a knife skills class at a local cooking school, and I’m looking to learn more.

Reading. I have been a member of a book club since 1995! We read fiction, meet once a month, and discuss. This wonderful group of fabulous women has spawned a lot of deep friendships, not to mention amazing discussions of books! Because we read a wide variety of genres, the group has helped me reach beyond my comfort zone and grow. I’m a big fan of my local library, and friends loan me books all the time. It’s a unique excitement to find out one of your favorite authors has a new book out (right now: new Barbara Kingsolver!).

Cars. I realize this sounds more like a “thing” than an “experience.” Bear with me, here. I love cars. LOVE ‘em. Inherited this love from my dad, bless him. I love to watch Top Gear

Hot Car

Hot Car

and indulge myself. I enjoy car shows. In November I got to do something truly amazing: take a four-hour tour in three different supercars (through a group called Supercar Sensation in Charlotte). I drove a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin Vantage, and the new Nissan GT-R. (If you care about these things, the Nissan was, hands down, the best car of the day.) This is precisely how I want to experience cars like this–in a tour, on back roads, just getting a feel for them. I don’t want to race them (although I do want to try a track day) or own one, I just want to experience them for a while. Next up: a tour with the Lamborghini Gallardo, a Porsche 911 Turbo, and an AMG-tuned Mercedes!

What experiences do you treasure? What activities or experiences offer joy for you?

Resistance and Being Right

Dec 9

Posted by Laura in Coaching, change, openness, reality TV, resistance, right | No Comments

I’ve been thinking for a while of having an occasional series here on my blog, loosely titled “Things I Have Learned Watching Reality TV.” I do watch reality TV, and I like the good stuff–a lot of business shows (early Apprentice, some Dragon’s Den, etc.), cooking shows (Hell’s Kitchen, Top Chef, Chef Academy), and creative competitions (Project Runway, Launch My Line, even America’s Next Top Model). (Okay, I’ll admit to the rapturous schadenfreude of watching America’s Funniest Home Injuries Videos, from which I’ve learned quite a litany of useful things: avoid trampolines, never dance on tables, porch swings are trouble, stay away from pinatas, and so on.)

One of my most recent favorite shows is on Bravo, and it’s called Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. It’s a bit like Kitchen Nightmares, except for hair salons. The extremely talented stylist and businesswoman Tabatha Coffey (always sleek in black, ice blonde hair, clipped Australian accent) comes in and takes over for a week. There are staff meetings, discussions, assessments of skills, renovations, and usually some tears and resistance. Most of the time, her changes make a real difference in the salon, as evidenced when she returns about six weeks after to see how things are going.

Last night’s episode involved a salon owner in Florida, who absolutely hated her staff (spied on them, harassed them, and so on). She expected them to fail, and only had negative things to say consistently. She brought in Tabatha just to have someone take her side. When Tabatha didn’t buy it, the owner flat-out refused to change. In fact, she reversed much of the renovation and all the other changes that Tabatha made. Her staff were miserable. The owner herself was miserable–yet somehow delighted that she hadn’t changed at all. She was convinced she was “right” and wouldn’t hear of anything to the contrary.

I felt so sad for this woman. She has become toxic in her own business, toxic to her employees, and toxic to herself. She had a rigid view of her situation and was not interested in any other viewpoints. She wanted easy answers and someone to confirm her paranoia. People like her may say they “want” a coach or a consultant, but they really don’t. They want to be right, and they want that validated.

Not long ago, I was challenged by another coach to let go of being “right” in a situation that had really irked me. I knew I was right, and I kept protesting that fact. It was painful to be challenged on it–and absolutely what I needed to hear. I struggled with it. I asked myself: “If I let go of being right, what more can I become? Can I become larger than this issue?” It was an eye-opening process. It helped me let go of being right (with difficulty), so that I became more. What resulted was a whole new path out of the situation that ultimately ended up serving everyone involved.

Where can we let go of being right? What might that lead to in our lives?