Archer Coaching

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Archive for category Powerful questions

What Does a Coach Do?

Feb 7

Posted by Laura in balance, change, choice, clarity, Coaching, Coaching Week, Communications, Creativity, definition, Dreaming, Goals, Making an impact, momentum, Path, Powerful questions, practice | 1 Comment

In honor of International Coaching Week, February 6 through 12, I am posting a series of short articles about coaching.

Day 2: What Does a Coach Do?

How does a coach go about supporting clients in creating what they want? There are many techniques, approaches, tools, and exercises available for coaches. Today I’m going to discuss in broad terms how a coach might go about helping a client achieve his or her goals.

A relationship between coach and client, first and foremost, is focused on the client. A person comes to a coach with a goal in mind–something to achieve, create, or change. The coach honors that goal and helps the client keep it in mind as they drill down to specific action steps together. The coach holds an objective viewpoint (as objective as possible, this is often called “coach position”) to help the client see a bigger picture and rise above distractions. The coach holds the client accountable for his or her commitments.

In a coaching relationship (lasting anywhere from a few sessions to more long-term work), the coach is responsible for the following:

  • Asking powerful questions that elicit the client’s inner resourcefulness
  • Keeping the client focused on the big, overall goals
  • Providing a safe, creative space where the client’s creativity can come forth
  • Respecting and honoring clients’ views of the world—they are the experts in their lives
  • Helping clients see the bigger, broader connections of their choices, changes, and growth
  • Encouraging the client to dream
  • Maintaining a clean “coach position” and not offering opinions, judgment, analysis, or advice
  • Communicating clearly and directly
  • Holding clients accountable as they request

A single coaching session is essentially a powerful conversation. Whether it is held over the phone or in person (or virtually), a coaching session creates a space and time in which the client can be focused on his or her goals, creativity can flow, and new options are explored. Thinking and beliefs can be examined, changed, and boosted. A coaching session can be a welcome “oasis” for a client, who may be so busy with day-to-day tasks and activities that an hour to focus on the future and desired goals helps him or her create true momentum for change and transformation.

In a coaching session, the coach might do any or all of the following:

  • Step into coach position, and listen powerfully to questions asked
  • Match the client’s energy, body language, vocal tone
  • Check in to see how things went with the client’s action items from the previous session
  • Ask what the goal for the session is and be sure it is clearly stated and measurable
  • Inquire about how achieving that goal will help things change for the client, asking whether it is compatible with the overall goal and life values of the client (connecting to big picture).
  • Invite the client to brainstorm on how he or she might go about making that change or reaching that goal
  • Offer exercises, tools, and techniques that could help a client get “unstuck” or tap into deeper resources (it is the client’s choice whether to make use of these tools)
  • Keep the client focused on him- or herself and on the future
  • Help the client choose among potential action items to develop a plan to implement
  • Ask how the client will remain committed to the action plan and how he or she wants the coach to follow up

A trained and experienced coach has many other tools to offer clients in a session or across a working relationship. The description here is very broad!

Tomorrow: The Education of a Coach

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Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Dec 11

Posted by Laura in choice, clarity, Communications, confidence, Mindfulness, momentum, motivation, Powerful questions, practice, resistance, success | 1 Comment

You can “should” all over yourself.

That’s what my coaching mentor used to say, and she was right. How often do you say, “I really should…” or “I gotta…” or “I just need to…” or “I really ought to…” Is this kind of self-talk really motivating? Sometimes (perhaps for a lucky few), but usually it’s not. We can “should” all day long, but that often makes us less likely to do what we say, and then we feel guilty about it, and even stuck. Think about it: “I really should lose weight, start running, call Sally back, plan that trip, save some more money…”

These kind of verbal habits don’t do us any favors. We can “should” all over ourselves and all we have to show for it is guilt and a growing long to-do list.

How can you truly motivate yourself with your self-talk?

The first step is awareness: stop and listen how you talk to yourself or state your intentions. Do you use a lot of shoulds, oughts, needs, or gottas? What is your gut reaction to these phrases? How do you feel?

Note: Sometimes need is the right word. It can go both ways, so a gut-check will tell you if it’s the proper motivational phrase for you.

Me, I’m a bit contrary. If someone tells me I really should do something (even if I know it’s a good idea), I’m liable to think (but usually not say) “Nuh UH!” or even “Oh yeah? Watch me do the opposite just to spite you!” I even feel this way a bit when I tell myself I ought to do something. My natural contrariness rears its head and despite all my good intentions I don’t move forward.

The second step is changing your language. This requires awareness (the first step) and then deliberate effort and thought to create more meaningful and motivational self-talk. For instance, instead of saying “I really ought to clean out my car” you could try one of the following statements and check how you feel in response:

  • I deserve a clean car.
  • I dare to clean out my car.
  • I choose to clean out my car.
  • I intend to clean out my car.
  • I will clean out my car.
  • (What other phrases motivate you?)

These statements are much stronger and in control. The put you in the driver’s seat, instead of placing you as the poor victim of your list of needs, shoulds, and oughts.

What language do you use to motivate yourself?

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Life Balance: Telecourse

Dec 9

Posted by Laura in balance, change, clarity, joy, momentum, Powerful questions, time | No Comments

I’m teaching a telecourse for Fem Central in January 2011: “The Overwhelmed Woman: Reaching for Life Balance.” This class discusses basic principles and definitions of life balance, offers tools for achieving balance, and teaches some time/task management skills. Audience will come away with some tools for evaluating life balance, as well as a vision of what that might look like in their lives. Gain insight into your relationship with time, structure your life for the truly important things, and work for balance!

Cost: Only $23! Register here (and check out Fem Central’s other excellent courses). Register today to reserve your space!

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Self-Kindness

Jun 14

Posted by Laura in blessing, choice, clarity, failure, joy, Mindfulness, momentum, Powerful questions | No Comments

“You idiot!” Have you ever said this to yourself after doing something foolish (or, in my case, after a klutz attack)? How often do you beat yourself up over inconsequential things, past failures, or some perceived lack?

It seems a lot of people are harder on themselves than they would be to anyone around them. It’s apparently second nature to be harsh to ourselves, whereas we would not say something that unforgiving to a friend or loved one. How come we have such difficulty being kind to ourselves? Why are we so unforgiving when we make a mistake?

Lately, I’ve been making a conscious, deliberate effort to be kind to myself. My key question when I’m being self-negative: “Would I tolerate a friend talking to me the way I’m talking to me?” (If the answer is “no,” that’s my indicator that I am being overly rigid and unkind.) I’ve been working on releasing certain feelings that don’t serve me: irritation at my body for aches and pains, frustration and worry about not being able to control certain aspects of my future, and anger and pain over some recent losses. I acknowledge the emotions as being a natural response, but instead of letting them put me in a cave of resentment, I release them so that I can step up to something more empowering.

Suddenly, I have a lot of energy to move forward! Worry, anger, and frustration, when turned inward, consume a lot of thought and energy, without necessarily leading to action (going into that cave of resentment or into a shame spiral). Stepping out of that vicious circle releases an enormous amount of power to propel one forward. I see a lot more possibilities, opportunities, and joy when I move in this new direction.

What might change in your life if you started being kinder to yourself?

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Pet Projects

Jun 5

Posted by Laura in blessing, change, choice, Coaching, education, experience, Making an impact, momentum, performance, planning, Powerful questions, success | No Comments

A lot of people think that coaching only comes into play for big-picture life or career issues. Did you know that coaching can also be supportive of a single particular project?

Coaching is a collaborative relationship in which the client is supported in creating what he or she wants in the present and future. Certainly this is extremely helpful in terms of broad aspects of one’s life, such as finances, career, communication, spirituality, and more. Imagine what might be possible if you had this kind of focused support and energy around a project. What could you achieve?

You might wonder what kind of projects are appropriate for a coaching relationship. The answer: just about anything you can imagine that has a timeline for completion!

  • writing a book
  • creating a business plan
  • developing a workshop or speech
  • training plan for a triathlon
  • starting a club or community group
  • planning a wedding or other large event
  • completing college or graduate school
  • job search
  • work projects, such as creation of an action team or development of a program
  • earning tenure at a university

What are your pet projects? What would you like to accomplish, and by when?

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Making Space

May 18

Posted by Laura in Appreciation, balance, blessing, change, choice, clarity, Coaching, Creativity, Mindfulness, Path, planning, Powerful questions, time, Uncategorized | No Comments

When there is something big you want to create in your life, how do you make room for it? If you want to start your own business, get married, travel a lot, have children, start a new hobby, and so on, how do you create space for it? I’m talking beyond just wedging it into your calendar, saving money, or clearing out a corner of your home.

I’ll give a personal example. For a long time, I’ve held space in my heart and in my dreams for motherhood. In talking with my husband about having a child, he asked a great question: “How will we have a kid when we’re so busy as it is? How will we fit it in?” I realized then that something that large and life-changing doesn’t just get “penciled in” to our existing life. We must create space for it, giving up certain things and changing others so that we might be healthy, whole, and ready.

So I began paring down my responsibilities, specifically by deciding not to step up for officer roles in various professional organizations I belong to. I did some reading about fertility, learned how to chart, started taking prenatal vitamins, and tried to eat better and exercise more. I had some appointments with my doctors to deal with various issues I was concerned with. I put some money in a savings account to use during maternity leave.

I’m going through a similar process of making choices with my business right now. I am evaluating my commitments and side projects, winnowing some down so I can focus on my core interests and my best work. It’s a little bittersweet at times, saying goodbye to something that was fun but no longer moves me in the direction I want to go. But it opens new doors of opportunity, and that’s quite exciting to me!

I’ve blogged before about setting a goal and making sure it is SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timed). Coaching is a way to help people set goals, figure out a plan, and track toward achieving it. Making space is a critical step that might get overlooked by some. We can’t keep cramming our lives full of stuff to do without occasionally weeding some things out and changing others.

What do you do to make space? What do you make space for?

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More on Balance

Mar 30

Posted by Laura in balance, change, choice, clarity, confidence, Goals, Mindfulness, Powerful questions, Purpose, time | No Comments

Today’s entry is a guest blog from my friend and colleague Julie Seibert of Healing through Organization. She helps people with the mental blocks that can keep us from organizing our world. She had this to say about my blog post on Creating Balance:

I take a holistic approach with organizing and suggest people start with their mind. This means living in the present and not spending time in fear and anxiety. I consider this an important step in getting inside and outside organized. These questions by Geneen Roth are written on a whiteboard in my office. When making a decision I reflect on these questions.

1. Does it lead me toward a fuller life or confine me?
2. Does it bring me closer to my heart or take me further away?
3. Does it open me or close me?
4. Does it allow me to trust myself further or does it make me frightened of myself?
5. Does it enlarge my life or does it make my life smaller?

Take some time to reflect who and what is important in your life. Who nourishes you? Spend time with the people who uplift you. Invited to events you don’t want to go to? Don’t. It is your choice.

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Creating Balance

Mar 27

Posted by Laura in balance, blessing, choice, clarity, Coaching, definition, joy, Mindfulness, Powerful questions, time | No Comments

(Originally published at FemCentral, which is a terrific site you should bookmark and return to often!)

Life balance has become a sort of holy grail in modern times. It’s hard to recognize it when we experience it, but we all know when we’re out of balance. Feeling overwhelmed, extra-stressed, drained, demoralized, and burned out are just some of the feelings that indicate a dramatic unbalance. So what is life balance, and how can we get some?

To start with, life balance is not time management. Life balance is not about fitting everything in, or saying “yes” to everything, or even allotting equal time to different parts of your life (work/family being an obvious example). It’s about knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” This includes taking stock of the things that are important to you and making sure they are priorities in your life. Time and task management do not equal life balance, but they can be tools for helping you maintain it.

Whenever an opportunity comes up–a request to do something, volunteer opportunities, classes, work opportunities, anything at all–you have a choice of saying “yes” or “no.” Many people want to please or help others, like the feeling of being asked, want to feel accomplished or rewarded, or sometimes just feel obligated, so they almost automatically say “yes” to everything. It can be wonderful to experience growth and accomplishment from your commitments. But if you say “yes” to everything, you will very quickly find yourself overwhelmed, which can push you into crisis mode.

Some mindfulness and some intentionality when making commitments or accepting responsibilities offers a lot of clarity. Ask yourself the following questions when any kind of opportunity comes your way:

1. If I say “yes” to this, what else am I saying “yes” to? What am I saying “no” to?
2. If I say “no” to this, what am I saying “yes” to? What else am I saying “no” to?

It can be difficult to remember these yes/no options as things come up, so try asking yourself these questions about something that is already on your plate. You may find that there are more benefits than you thought to something you’ve agreed to; conversely, there may be higher costs associated with a task or responsibility. Don’t be afraid to let go of a responsibility or commitment that is no longer serving you.

I have found that when asking myself these yes/no questions before making a commitment, my values really start to show up. The things that are truly important to me make themselves known, and I can make a much more informed decision. It’s far more profound than just listing pros and cons. If I can see clearly what saying “yes” or “no” does for me on a personal level, then I can either accept joyfully or turn away from it with a sense of peace and wholeness.

Another key concept in life balance is prioritizing the things that are important to you. Steven Covey talks about this in his book First Things First: you don’t just prioritize the schedule, you schedule the priorities. Think about your life and the things that are important to you. If you want to be sure to be there in your roles as wife, mother, friend, healthy person, and spiritual seeker (to name a few of the many roles available to us), then you need to make sure your calendar reflects those commitments. If you believe that family is the most important thing, but your schedule is filled with extra work assignments, lots of networking, and business travel, you will feel the stress and disconnect of not sharing yourself with your family. A calendar review (weekly, monthly, however frequently you like) with your various roles and values in mind can really serve you in creating space in your life for all the things that are important. You can raise your awareness about your wants and needs and make sure that you have committed time to experience them in your life.

As you move forward with these techniques and some mindful intentionality in applying them in your life, you will experience several shifts. Shifts in your thinking will lead to new feelings, which create new actions and new results. You may find that your relationships grow and deepen when you make them a priority. You might stop feeling guilty when you say “no.” And you may end up with far more meaningful opportunities coming your way because you can wisely discern the ones that are right for you.

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A Bigger Game

Mar 13

Posted by Laura in blessing, change, clarity, Coaching, Creativity, Dreaming, joy, Making an impact, Mindfulness, momentum, performance, planning, Powerful questions, resistance, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Recently I completed some fantastic training on Energy Leadership with iPEC in New Jersey. Like most coach training, we learn techniques and concepts and then practice on each other, which opens the door for a lot of new learning, breakthroughs, and transformative thinking! A major takeaway for me from the weekend was this: It’s time for me to play a bigger game.

I have been stagnating in a few areas of my life and not stepping up to the plate with my true potential. I’ve been playing it safe, going with “good enough,” and making a lot excuses for not going bigger. I dug a comfortable little hidey hole in my complacency and fear. I have allowed certain beliefs and thoughts to hold me back.

The experience of new training and new thinking challenged me in these areas. It was really uncomfortable, and I felt a lot of resistance at first–which means that is precisely where I need to grow. Once I realized that I was playing small, it became more and more evident to me based on some feelings (and actions) I have had lately.

Now I’m completely energized and excited about the next phase of my life game.

So I hereby make this promise: I promise to play bigger. For myself, for my clients, for the world.

How will you show up for a bigger game in your life?

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>A powerful question

Oct 9

Posted by Laura in Powerful questions | No Comments

>
One of my favorite all-time thought-provoking questions, designed to help you dream big, is the following.

What would you do if you KNEW you could not fail? 

Ask yourself this question when you’re floundering for a vision. If you’ve forgotten your dreams, or need to reach for something new. It will open new vistas, and broaden your horizons. You can drill it down, too: What would you do in your career? In your relationships? In your spiritual life? With your money?
I’m eager to hear thoughts and even responses to this question!
As for my thoughts, if I knew I could not fail, I would climb Mt. Rainier (hence the photo of it in this posting), among other things.