I am a well-organized person who uses a planner, to-do lists, and goals. I’m prompt and focused. I’m used to knowing. In school, knowing the answer was a place of power for me (and I almost always knew the answer).

Becoming a coach has really challenged my sense of security about knowing. The whole point of being a coach is that I don’t have to know–the client does. Being a good coach means floating in the moment, trusting your intuition, and being present for the client in a way that brings forth his or her genius. There is no script for this, no set way to do it. Which means: I don’t know the answers, and sometimes I don’t know what questions to ask. But I’m finding infinite possibilities within the not knowing. If I don’t have preconceived notions, if I can let go of having “the answer,” the “right” thing to say or do, then the door is open wide for the client to step up.

In addition to becoming comfortable with not knowing in a coaching framework, I am facing it in my personal life as well. I’m a new parent. I’m co-creating a relationship with my daughter (and husband) each day. When I can let go of the need to know, then I find I can simply let my daughter be herself, right here, right now. We can enjoy each other deeply.

Embracing the uncertainty of not knowing is terrifying… and ultimately, freeing.

If you let go of needing to know and embrace the not-knowing (or just dip your toes in), what does that open up for you?

Share It

Hide Sites

The Sound of an Empty House

By Richard Dansky

There are a lot of things that make a house home. There’s the look of the place. There’s our stuff, in its familiar arrangement. There are familiar smells, the ones you keep coming back to – even the ones that are suspiciously like “oh God, the cat’s protesting the oppressive nature of the litterbox again” – that come together to make the mental picture that instantly, irrevocably says “home”.

Sound’s a big part of that, too. An area that we’re familiar with makes familiar sounds. We know how long a sound takes to echo and die there, how loud you have to yell to call someone in the next room, how long a single sound is supposed to live down to the nanosecond.

Of course, changing things changes how long sound bounces around even a medium-sized living room. Move a piece of furniture, add a bookshelf there – even tiny changes are changes, and our gut recognizes them even if our brain doesn’t. It takes a while to settle back down when the acoustic map of a long-familiar place changes while we wait for our hindbrains to decide that yes, this is still the safe zone it used to be before the curio cabinet went four feet to the left and the dining room table lost a leaf. No doubt this knack was of tremendous use to our ancestors, who could use it to notice that a large short-faced bear had moved into the cave and react accordingly.

All of which would have remained entirely academic (except possibly for my interest in short-faced bears) if we weren’t getting our carpet replaced. Which meant moving all the furniture out of the big living room/dining room. While my wife was out of town for work. Which meant that I came home to a house that looked different – the carpets had been taken up but the new floors not yet put down, that smelled different (like I said, the, uh, carpets had been taken up), where none of the pieces were in their familiar places, and that most of all, sounded different. Carpet gone, furniture moved, and the first floor was suddenly an echo chamber. The clatter of ice cubes into a glass rattled around and around; a closed door was thunderous. The cats wandered counterclockwise and yowled confusion – why was the floor hard? Where had their favorite perches gone? What was happening?

And every sound on the first floor of the house was just wrong, and my lizard brain screamed “Predator! Watch out!” every time I made a noise. I found myself tiptoeing around, gently moving dishes, dealing in hush and quiet to keep from involuntarily jumping out of my skin.

All of which is academic, of course. In a couple of days the furniture will be back. I’ll have gotten the new arrangement wired in as “home”. And the cats, walnut-brained adorable monsters that they are, will forget.

But the reminder that even small changes can take a place that’s known intimately and make it uncanny and strange, well, that’s worth remembering. And not just because a family of short-faced cave bears might be moving in down the block.

Share It

Hide Sites

Day 4: How Do People Use Coaching?

People can seek coaching for support in nearly every aspect of their lives. A general “life coach” or “business coach” may help a client focus on many or all aspects life or business. In a sports metaphor, a head coach, someone who oversees all aspects of the game and team, is like a life coach.

Many coaches have a specialty, or niche, and focus on helping certain kinds of people (e.g., executives, entrepreneurs, speakers, direct sellers) or address certain aspects of life (e.g., relationships, life balance, communication). A specialist coach still connects to the whole client and doesn’t work totally in isolation on one particular area. In a sports metaphor again, a specialist coach might be someone who works with basketball players only on their free throws, or a putting coach for golfers.

Clients may come to coaches with the desire to create change in one or more of the following focus areas (and many others!):

• Career advancement
• Career change and job seeking
• Life balance
• Management and executive skills
• Starting or growing a business (including marketing)
• Time management/productivity
• ADD support
• Improve communication (including presentation and professional speaking)
• Organization
• Relationships (including parenting)
• Self-esteem and self-confidence
• Handling a specific issue
• Problem solving
• Financial planning
• Spiritual growth
• Health and wellness

I’ve you’re consider hiring a coach, but are not sure what to use a coach for, ask yourself these questions: What one aspect of my life could benefit from some coaching? What one area of my life, if I improved it, would improve all the other areas?

A lot of people think that coaching only comes into play for big-picture life or career issues. Did you know that coaching can also be supportive of a single particular project or a short-term goal?

Just about anything you can imagine that has a timeline for completion can benefit from some coaching attention!

• Writing a book
• Creating a business plan
• Developing a workshop or speech
• Training plan for a triathlon
• Losing a set amount of weight
• Starting a club or community group
• Planning a wedding or other large event
• Completing college or graduate school
• Job search
• Work projects, such as creation of an action team or development of a program
• Earning tenure at a university
• Increasing sales in a single quarter
• Marketing planning and implementation

Imagine what might be possible if you had focused support and energy around a single project. What could you achieve?

Tomorrow: Are You Coachable?

Share It

Hide Sites

Most of my friends have heard me wax poetic about how my darling husband is very different from me — in a way that I appreciate, because I feel it makes us a good team. He’s very relaxed and laid-back and thinks in terms of the big picture. I’m assertive, a go-getter, and detail-oriented. He lives in the moment, I tend to pace toward the future. He tends to think things through very carefully, sometimes taking a long time to make a decision. I tend to be rather impulsive and impatient! We have been together 15 years now, and I have come to love these differences. Just by being himself, he helps me relax and enjoy things as they are. We have many things in common, but the differences keep it interesting. I started to respect, honor, and cherish our differences when I went through coach training and began to perceive things differently.

My sister is another case in point. We are only 14 months apart in age, and we couldn’t be more different. We inverted most of the standard older child/younger child dynamics (she’s younger, but was much bolder than I was). We have dealt with common issues in our family, of course, but beyond that we are extremely different. We fought like cats and dogs growing up, of course, and we could never live in the same house again without maiming each other (if the last time we tried that is any indication). Over the years, I have come to truly value our differences, as she gives me a totally unique perspective on things. If we had met as strangers, I don’t know if we would have become friends — the differences would have made it seem as if we had nothing in common. As sisters, our relationship is all over the place, in a good way! We are starting to discover the things that we do have in common now.

My book group, of which I have been a member for 15 years, is another great example. We have a wide range of women in the group — some are mothers, some are grandmothers, some have never had kids. We have marrieds, divorceds, and never marrieds. Some young, some older, some in between. A variety of hobbies and careers are represented. The discussion is always lively. Heated disagreements, loud laughter, and a lot of thinking and interpreting. It’s a monthly discussion that really challenges and stimulates me because of all the differences in perception.

Enough about me! What relationships balance you? Whom do you love because of (not in spite of) your differences?

Share It

Hide Sites

I’ll give a personal example. For a long time, I’ve held space in my heart and in my dreams for motherhood. In talking with my husband about having a child, he asked a great question: “How will we have a kid when we’re so busy as it is? How will we fit it in?” I realized then that something that large and life-changing doesn’t just get “penciled in” to our existing life. We must create space for it, giving up certain things and changing others so that we might be healthy, whole, and ready.

So I began paring down my responsibilities, specifically by deciding not to step up for officer roles in various professional organizations I belong to. I did some reading about fertility, learned how to chart, started taking prenatal vitamins, and tried to eat better and exercise more. I had some appointments with my doctors to deal with various issues I was concerned with. I put some money in a savings account to use during maternity leave.

I’m going through a similar process of making choices with my business right now. I am evaluating my commitments and side projects, winnowing some down so I can focus on my core interests and my best work. It’s a little bittersweet at times, saying goodbye to something that was fun but no longer moves me in the direction I want to go. But it opens new doors of opportunity, and that’s quite exciting to me!

I’ve blogged before about setting a goal and making sure it is SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timed). Coaching is a way to help people set goals, figure out a plan, and track toward achieving it. Making space is a critical step that might get overlooked by some. We can’t keep cramming our lives full of stuff to do without occasionally weeding some things out and changing others.

What do you do to make space? What do you make space for?

Share It

Hide Sites

When I took the Millionaire Mind Intensive seminar a few years ago, I noted that the trainer made sure that we all practiced receiving. Some of our affirmations included being a good giver and an excellent receiver, as well asking the universe to send us the share of someone who wasn’t ready to receive.

Being ready to receive is more than just finally getting something you want and celebrating that fact. It’s about being gracious and grateful. It’s about being humble and accepting a gift (in any form) without the need to pay it back (or forward) or give something in exchange. It’s about being grateful for even the smallest moment of abundance in your life. This is tricky! It can feel downright uncomfortable.

I began to experience a mindful approach to receiving shortly before my wedding in fall 2000. I realized that on that special day, I would be the center of attention and the recipient of a lot of good wishes and celebration. Thankfully, I relied on my Southern heritage and manners: I practiced graciously accepting compliments and good wishes at my bridal shower, and then I put those skills to good use on the big day! I found it a little uncomfortable to simply receive compliments (and gifts!), and it was a very interesting experience to do so.

How many times in our lives do we deflect a genuine compliment by down-playing ourselves or turning the focus to the other person, rather than simply saying, “Thank you!” and enjoying the feeling? How often do you feel ever so slightly guilty accepting a gift or favor? Do you perhaps keep a mental tally of who owes who a favor or special treat?

Every day you have the opportunity to receive. Take advantage of this opportunity with mindfulness and intentionality. Practice receiving with gratitude, and start to notice the abundance that comes to you. When you begin gratefully receiving, the universe will start to send more your way! As you notice what you have been graced with, you will see more of it. As you receive, you might find yourself giving more selflessly, as well as going after what you want more intentionally because you are ready to receive it and are no longer afraid to ask for it!

Share It

Hide Sites

I have been stagnating in a few areas of my life and not stepping up to the plate with my true potential. I’ve been playing it safe, going with “good enough,” and making a lot excuses for not going bigger. I dug a comfortable little hidey hole in my complacency and fear. I have allowed certain beliefs and thoughts to hold me back.

The experience of new training and new thinking challenged me in these areas. It was really uncomfortable, and I felt a lot of resistance at first–which means that is precisely where I need to grow. Once I realized that I was playing small, it became more and more evident to me based on some feelings (and actions) I have had lately.

Now I’m completely energized and excited about the next phase of my life game.

So I hereby make this promise: I promise to play bigger. For myself, for my clients, for the world.

How will you show up for a bigger game in your life?

Share It

Hide Sites

Virtual assistants can do all kinds of support work for a businessperson. Without getting into too much detail, they can offer administrative support, some Web work, design, event planning, phone calls, documentation, you name it. I found my VA through a local networking group, and we signed a contract by which she provides me 4 hours of her services each month. How I ask her to use the time is up to me. So far, I have had her work on both of my Web sites (which were recently relaunched in WordPress), design promotional flyers for and assist with some training events, optimize my profile on some business networking sites, make phone calls and perform some research, and create a PowerPoint presentation from some extremely raw text. I plan to have her help me with a newsletter, more slide presentations, and some marketing tasks in the future!

What surprised me in the process of making use of this support is how much it helped me grow! The lessons ran deeper than I could have imagined (and are still revealing themselves to me). Here are some of them.

• I was pushed (in a good way) to let go of something and trust another person to handle it. I’ve been self-employed for 14 years, and because I’ve always had to handle everything, it’s fair to say I became a bit of a control freak. I’m so used to handling it all–it was a challenge to let something go. When I was able to do so, a lot of new, exciting opportunities for my time and energy opened up!
• I became more engaged in my best work. Because I now have support around the details and busy-work of my company, I have more of my brain power and heart invested in the actual work–that of coaching. I no longer have to fret over details because I have a trusted person to handle them for me. I can truly focus on serving my clients.
• I opened the door to more profitability. I was shocked when I realized that my VA could spend 1 hour on something that would take me 4 or more hours (and a lot of frustration) to get done. I can use those 4 hours to do billable work! Also, because she can support me with excellent work, I’ve accelerated my plans on a lot of my business-building ideas, which will bring more clients to me.
• I began to see more possibilities in my business. As I was challenged to come up with tasks for my VA (she works so fast!), I started to see a lot more opportunities for myself and my business. Currently, she is developing a slide presentation for me from very raw text and images. This will be published on SlideShare and available for free to anyone who is interested. Before I met my VA, I doubt I ever would have considered this. I don’t like slides, and I don’t know how to use PowerPoint well, and it would have perpetually been put on the back burner. Now it’s happening! More creative ideas are coming to me all the time, and I’m energized to attack them.
• I started thinking like a bigger company. Suddenly, I have “people.” I can take on bigger projects, bigger commitments because I have support in other areas. I feel more professional. I’ve widened my playing field. This has opened up even more opportunities, and I find I’m incredibly excited and engaged with my business all over again!

Obviously, I recommend a good VA if you need or want some support in your business. As you think about the cost of hiring someone, weight it against the immediate benefits of getting things done, and remember to think about the bigger picture advantages!

Share It

Hide Sites

I have reveled in this break from the busy-ness of everyday life. My calendar was mostly cleared of appointments–the two remaining ones have been rescheduled. I had lots of work to do here at home, plus some cleaning projects, a full TiVo, and a stack of books to read. I haven’t been bored at all, nor have I had cabin fever (I credit that to many, many snow days with no TV when I was growing up). I welcome the opportunity to slow down for a few days. It’s a rare luxury.

Think of Henry David Thoreau, who isolated himself from mainstream society for over two years at Walden Pond. (He still received visitors and made visits himself; he didn’t live as a hermit.) His time there inspired his classic masterpiece, Walden, which covers his thoughts on self-reliance and simple living.

When we’re given a chance to slow down a bit, what can we do? What creativity comes forth? What do you notice about your regular life when you’re offered a respite from it?

Share It

Hide Sites