Archer Coaching

Coaching you on your path to joyful abundance.

Posts Tagged self-talk

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Dec 11

Posted by Laura in choice, clarity, Communications, confidence, Mindfulness, momentum, motivation, Powerful questions, practice, resistance, success | 1 Comment

You can “should” all over yourself.

That’s what my coaching mentor used to say, and she was right. How often do you say, “I really should…” or “I gotta…” or “I just need to…” or “I really ought to…” Is this kind of self-talk really motivating? Sometimes (perhaps for a lucky few), but usually it’s not. We can “should” all day long, but that often makes us less likely to do what we say, and then we feel guilty about it, and even stuck. Think about it: “I really should lose weight, start running, call Sally back, plan that trip, save some more money…”

These kind of verbal habits don’t do us any favors. We can “should” all over ourselves and all we have to show for it is guilt and a growing long to-do list.

How can you truly motivate yourself with your self-talk?

The first step is awareness: stop and listen how you talk to yourself or state your intentions. Do you use a lot of shoulds, oughts, needs, or gottas? What is your gut reaction to these phrases? How do you feel?

Note: Sometimes need is the right word. It can go both ways, so a gut-check will tell you if it’s the proper motivational phrase for you.

Me, I’m a bit contrary. If someone tells me I really should do something (even if I know it’s a good idea), I’m liable to think (but usually not say) “Nuh UH!” or even “Oh yeah? Watch me do the opposite just to spite you!” I even feel this way a bit when I tell myself I ought to do something. My natural contrariness rears its head and despite all my good intentions I don’t move forward.

The second step is changing your language. This requires awareness (the first step) and then deliberate effort and thought to create more meaningful and motivational self-talk. For instance, instead of saying “I really ought to clean out my car” you could try one of the following statements and check how you feel in response:

  • I deserve a clean car.
  • I dare to clean out my car.
  • I choose to clean out my car.
  • I intend to clean out my car.
  • I will clean out my car.
  • (What other phrases motivate you?)

These statements are much stronger and in control. The put you in the driver’s seat, instead of placing you as the poor victim of your list of needs, shoulds, and oughts.

What language do you use to motivate yourself?

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Self-Kindness

Jun 14

Posted by Laura in blessing, choice, clarity, failure, joy, Mindfulness, momentum, Powerful questions | No Comments

“You idiot!” Have you ever said this to yourself after doing something foolish (or, in my case, after a klutz attack)? How often do you beat yourself up over inconsequential things, past failures, or some perceived lack?

It seems a lot of people are harder on themselves than they would be to anyone around them. It’s apparently second nature to be harsh to ourselves, whereas we would not say something that unforgiving to a friend or loved one. How come we have such difficulty being kind to ourselves? Why are we so unforgiving when we make a mistake?

Lately, I’ve been making a conscious, deliberate effort to be kind to myself. My key question when I’m being self-negative: “Would I tolerate a friend talking to me the way I’m talking to me?” (If the answer is “no,” that’s my indicator that I am being overly rigid and unkind.) I’ve been working on releasing certain feelings that don’t serve me: irritation at my body for aches and pains, frustration and worry about not being able to control certain aspects of my future, and anger and pain over some recent losses. I acknowledge the emotions as being a natural response, but instead of letting them put me in a cave of resentment, I release them so that I can step up to something more empowering.

Suddenly, I have a lot of energy to move forward! Worry, anger, and frustration, when turned inward, consume a lot of thought and energy, without necessarily leading to action (going into that cave of resentment or into a shame spiral). Stepping out of that vicious circle releases an enormous amount of power to propel one forward. I see a lot more possibilities, opportunities, and joy when I move in this new direction.

What might change in your life if you started being kinder to yourself?

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